Individual who caters excessively: Characteristics, indications, potential hazards, and strategies to change
People-pleasing, a behaviour characterized by consistently striving to please others at one's own expense, can have far-reaching effects on an individual's emotional, mental, and social well-being. This article aims to shed light on people-pleasing, its causes, effects, and potential treatment options.
People-pleasing is different from traits like kindness, generosity, or altruism. While these traits are admirable, people-pleasing is difficult to stop and often leads to long-term effects such as emotional exhaustion, loss of identity, difficulty setting boundaries, decreased self-esteem, chronic anxiety, and resentment.
Culture and socialization play a significant role in shaping a person's view of their duty towards others and themselves. The culture of a person's family, community, or country may influence their tendency to people-please.
Identifying people-pleasing behaviour is essential for addressing it. Signs include saying "yes" when meaning "no", avoiding conflict at all costs, feeling responsible for others’ happiness, chronic apologizing even when not at fault, fear of rejection or abandonment if not compliant, difficulty asserting personal needs or desires, low self-esteem dependent on others' approval, and neglecting one's own self-care.
Treatment options focus primarily on psychotherapy to help understand and change the underlying patterns. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), abandonment and relational trauma therapy, and therapy for relational trauma are all potential approaches.
In addition to therapy, learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries, developing self-compassion and internal validation, recognizing and challenging social or cultural conditioning that enforces people-pleasing, and exploring childhood or trauma-related origins of the behaviour with professional support can be beneficial.
Addressing people-pleasing involves identifying the behaviours and underlying emotional drivers and engaging in consistent therapeutic work to reclaim a sense of authentic self and well-being. This transformation promotes healthier relationships, self-respect, and emotional freedom.
A person can seek support from a therapist at any time if they feel that people-pleasing is interfering with their job or relationships, they feel as though they cannot take care of themselves, they worry a lot about what others think, or they have a history of trauma.
People-pleasing may cause a person to prioritize feeling liked over the well-being of others, leading to harm. Chronic people-pleasing can affect a person's relationships and sense of self, causing loss of identity and resentment.
It's important to note that people-pleasing is a label rather than a diagnosis, and its causes can vary among individuals. Low self-esteem, anxiety, conflict avoidance, inequity, role conflict, and personality disorders such as dependent personality disorder may all contribute to people-pleasing.
"People pleaser" is not a medical term or a formally defined personality trait. However, understanding and addressing people-pleasing behaviour can lead to a more authentic, fulfilling, and balanced life.
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